December 27, 2001

You really don’t want to start acting old before you have to. It bleeds the fun out of life.

One of the first signs of getting old is resistance to change. You want to resist this resistance for as long as you can. Some people hold out longer than others; some cave almost immediately.

I think I’ve done a pretty good job of resisting. But these days, I seem to be wearing down. My willingness to move with the flow of mutability is no longer steadfast. Sometimes, it's pretty damned feeble.

The key for me, I think, lies in understanding. I need to know the why behind the changes I encounter.

All of this is to preface my rant on current underwear and the question: Why?

Recently, I bought some underwear – nothing flashy, just navy boxer length, gym like shorts. I have no idea what they’re called. But they’re the length of boxers, the fit of jockies.

The resistance I had to them occurred when, wearing them for the first time, I went to the bathroom and discovered they had no opening in the crotch.

Had a woman designed these? I had no idea. All I knew was that I was in a public washroom (at a bar), my fingers franticly flying around my groin as I stood at the urinal seeking the absent opening. From the corner of my eye I saw a man of about my age slowing slip out of the washroom, eyeing me anxiously, believing he had encountered a shameless masturator.

In a panic, I ended up dropping my pants and underwear to my ankles so I could relieve myself as my pink bottom greeted other men who, wisely, had worn traditional drawers – complete with opening.

Why? Where is the reason behind pants or underwear designed for men yet without a pathway for the member’s release? And on the plastic packaging they came in, where was the caution reading, “Not Designed For Peeing?” Have the generations following my own developed superhuman bladders? Can they go for days without having to vacate the intestinal premises?

I don’t have the answer. I only know that this is an unwanted and unwelcome change. And I shall resist it.

I grow old, I grow old. I shall wear my trousers with openings that allow me to pee.

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